I sit here on my bed and as I look out the window and I listen to the croaking of the frogs and the chirping of the crickets, I know that for good or bad, my life is very different than what I had planned and dreamed. I am very lucky. I have my husband and my two children whom I love dearly but it all has a price. I used to be fearless and daring. I wonder sometimes what happened to that girl? The one that set out to conquer the world? Then I remember, she married, settled down and for the next couple of years had the wind knocked out of her sail by her new relatives. How dared I be different? How dared I expect more? How rude of me to expect them to keep their word and do their share. I was taught to be nice, to help when asked and to care and soon I was trapped in a snare of never ending favors that slowly drained any possibility of a life outside the family. Then my child arrived. My wonderful beautiful, strong baby girl. I took a look at myself. A long hard look and I didn't like what I saw. This was not the person I needed my daughter to see me as. So I stopped. I put up boundaries. It did not go over well but I refused to give in. I needed to change. I needed to be better so I decided to be brave again. Baby steps at first but soon my voice grew louder and I found the word "no" again and I used it. No, you may not hold my daughter if you have been drinking. No, you may not show up at my house drunk. But boundaries kept being broken. Every time I drew the line in the sand, she would take one step further, just to show that she could. Then my son arrived. My beautiful, wonderful baby boy and I found the courage again to say no, louder and louder, to them all. No, I will not buy the present and write on the card that it is from all of us, when I found it, paid for it, wrapped it and delivered it, all without any thanks or money from any of you. No, I will not pay for everyone because you "left" it at home after ordering the most expensive meal on the menu. No, I will not try to pretend that this is normal anymore. The "no" felt good to say and I savored the taste in my mouth, but they came at a price. Knives in the back when I was turned around doing them all yet another favor. Finally she was caught in her own web of lies and my husband could no longer refuse to see what was happening. He saw and he believed me. He confronted her, his own mother, and things got better for a while. At least it seemed so, then it got worse than ever and he found the courage to confront her. He found the strength and the will to say that word, No. No, I will not pretend with you anymore. No, I will not let you stab my wife in the back and act as if it never happened. No, you are not okay. You are an alcoholic and you need help. Let me help you. Choose us, not the alcohol. Her answer - No.
We live our lives quieter now. It has been almost a year and a half now. Her tentacles still
reaches us every now and then. Sometimes I falter. I feel bad. I start thinking maybe, maybe this can be fixed. Maybe if I just... but deep inside I know, the answer is always no. I know I have to stay strong for my children and for myself. I will never again loose my ability to say No. Soon, we will move away, far away and I will rest easier. A whole country will be between us and when that dreaded day comes when we received that call asking for help to take care of her, for help with money, can she stay with us?, I will be strong. I will feel a moment of sadness for what could have been and then I will harden my heart and my answer will be simple.... No.
