The hardest word to say isn't "Sorry".. it is "No".

I sit here on my bed and as I look out the window and I listen to the croaking of the frogs and the chirping of the crickets, I know that for good or bad, my life is very different than what I had planned and dreamed. I am very lucky. I have my husband and my two children whom I love dearly but it all has a price. I used to be fearless and daring. I wonder sometimes what happened to that girl? The one that set out to conquer the world? Then I remember, she married, settled down and for the next couple of years had the wind knocked out of her sail by her new relatives. How dared I be different? How dared I expect more? How rude of me to expect them to keep their word and do their share. I was taught to be nice, to help when asked and to care and soon I was trapped in a snare of never ending favors that slowly drained any possibility of a life outside the family. Then my child arrived. My wonderful beautiful, strong baby girl. I took a look at myself. A long hard look and I didn't like what I saw. This was not the person I needed my daughter to see me as. So I stopped. I put up boundaries. It did not go over well but I refused to give in. I needed to change. I needed to be better so I decided to be brave again. Baby steps at first but soon my voice grew louder and I found the word "no" again and I used it. No, you may not hold my daughter if you have been drinking. No, you may not show up at my house drunk. But boundaries kept being broken. Every time I drew the line in the sand, she would take one step further, just to show that she could. Then my son arrived. My beautiful, wonderful baby boy and I found the courage again to say no, louder and louder, to them all. No, I will not buy the present and write on the card that it is from all of us, when I found it, paid for it, wrapped it and delivered it, all without any thanks or money from any of you. No, I will not pay for everyone because you "left" it at home after ordering the most expensive meal on the menu. No, I will not try to pretend that this is normal anymore. The "no" felt good to say and I savored the taste in my mouth, but they came at a price. Knives in the back when I was turned around doing them all yet another favor. Finally she was caught in her own web of lies and my husband could no longer refuse to see what was happening. He saw and he believed me. He confronted her, his own mother, and things got better for a while. At least it seemed so, then it got worse than ever and he found the courage to confront her. He found the strength and the will to say that word, No. No, I will not pretend with you anymore. No, I will not let you stab my wife in the back and act as if it never happened. No, you are not okay. You are an alcoholic and you need help. Let me help you. Choose us, not the alcohol. Her answer - No.

We live our lives quieter now. It has been almost a year and a half now. Her tentacles still 

reaches us every now and then. Sometimes I falter. I feel bad. I start thinking maybe, maybe this can be fixed. Maybe if I just... but deep inside I know, the answer is always no. I know I have to stay strong for my children and for myself. I will never again loose my ability to say No. Soon, we will move away, far away and I will rest easier. A whole country will be between us and when that dreaded day comes when we received that call asking for help to take care of her, for help with money, can she stay with us?, I will be strong. I will feel a moment of sadness for what could have been and then I will harden my heart and my answer will be simple.... No.

Growing Up

My little man is growing up. B is two and a half now and every day there is less and less of that tiny little baby I brought home from the hospital in him. For better or for worse, he is a little boy now. A little boy that cannot wait to grow up and become a Big Boy. His warm little hand gently but absentmindedly strokes my face as he plops down in the couch next to me. His attention is all on the movie in front of him. I watch him without him noticing, his face animated, totally enraptured with what is happening on the screen. I sit there quietly next to him,  trying to drink in every moment because I now soon, very soon, I am not going to be the center of his universe anymore. Soon he won't be running to me to have his boo boos kissed better. Soon he won't ask me to "watch this, mamma" as he contorts his body into weird shapes or hangs like a monkey from the bed boards of his bunk bed. Soon he will roll his eyes at me and wipe my kisses away. I know what is ahead having watch my friends go through it. But I'm not ready. Of course one day he will grow up. He will whether I like it or not. I want him to grow up to an independent, caring, sweet man. But not yet. Not quite yet. 

He plants a wet sloppy baby kiss on my cheek and takes my face in his head. "you watch too mommy, funny movie" he says. I smile because I still have time. I'm still included. We snuggle close and I sneak a kiss on his warm chubby little cheek. "You so silly, Momma" he says. I am silly, I think to myself. Why do I spend time worrying about the what ifs and the maybes? I have today, right now, and right now the world is pretty good. I love and I am loved. What more can you ask for?

Having a boy

I admit that when I found out we were having a boy I was petrified. Happy but petrified. I know girls, and having been one once myself made it some how easier to raise a girl. But boys? How do you even change their diapers? Do you wipe around it, over it, how? 

Then B arrived and none of that matter any more. Yes, it was different and it continues to be but I'm learning. I've learned that weird noises are a must when you play, the louder the better. I've learned that if you have two cars in front of you, you should smash them together with a good loud sound effect. I've learned to draw cars, over and over again and I'm learning the difference between a dump truck and a bulldozer. I've learned not to faint when he swings precariously from one hand on the playground, yelling "look at me, momma", (but I still hold my breath). I've learned that even an uncoordinated two years old can get some good tickles in, if they have you pinned down on the floor. I've learned to not cringe when he shows me bugs and worms and wants me to touch them. I could go on and on. But the most important thing that I have learned from my son is to relax and find joy in the little things. To not take myself so seriously. To stop stressing and have fun, even if that involves being on my hands and knees carrying the two of them on my back while I neigh like a horsey. I've learned that it doesn't matter if he is a boy or a girl. He is my child and he and his sister own my heart. Everything else is just stuff we'll figure out together.

PS, to this day I still don't know the proper way to change a boy's diaper and he is almost out of them now. But you know what? It's okay. I may not know the "proper" way, but I've found my way and my way works just fine.

It is snowing

Yes, you read that right. It is snowing. I'm not sure why I am surprised after all I did plant some flowers and bulbs the other day. If you knew me you would know how out of character that is for me. The things I do for my kids. For weeks now K has been asking me about flowers and seeds and planting of various things. "When can we plant flowers Mommy?" has been the question most asked in our house even winning out over "Can I have more popcorn?". She was allowed to pick out a toy from the store for doing great in school and she picked out a watering can, a shovel and a rake. I realized that resistance was futile and I surrendered. 

So we went to the local nursery and picked out all kinds of bulbs and potted plants to plant in our garden and then hurried back home to plant them. Two broken nails and a few arguments later they were all in the ground and we happily surveyed our work. B was less than impressed but once he was allowed to handle the watering can he began to share our excitement. We have checked on our precious little plants and flowers several times a day, admiring our work and now it is snowing. Not just a few random little snowflakes here and there. No, it is snowing. Hard. The yard is covered in white and through them here and there we can see our poor little flowers trying to come through.

K is philosophical about it. "We'll plant new ones Mommy" she says and goes to find a bulb catalog to dream about what to plant next. We'll do it of course. I'll break a few more nails and loose what is left of my sanity but it will be worth it. Because the smile that spreads across her faces as she looks out on her flowers, her enthusiasm and passion for life, that is priceless.

Dr Seuss Books & Plush Animals

For a while now I have been trying to find a Horton the elephant stuffed animal for K but with little success. Well, today I am happy to report that not only did I find a great one, it is also inexpensive and you can feel good about buying it since 100% of the net profits from the sale of the merchandise will be donated to support health and educational opportunities for children.

The Kohl Cares for Kids line includes not just Horton the elephant but also Yertle the Turtle, Hop on Pop and Fox in Socks along with the books that the characters are featured in. Both the animals and the books are for sale for just $5 each.  At that price I plan on picking up on of each and although I haven't really talked to my husband about it (yet) I think I might pick up a few extras to use as party favors at Katie's Seussical party extravaganza.

Land of Nod 15% off coupon

I just received this sharable coupon to Land of Nod. Unfortunately it is an in store coupon only but it's better than nothing, right?

Enjoy!!!

Dr Seuss

A couple of months ago the whole family went to see a local production of Seussical the Musical. We had a wonderful time, the kids loved it especially K and we went home happy knowing that it had been a successful evening. The next day K decided that from now on she would only answer to the name Gertrude McFuzz and B would be known as JoJo. We decided to indulge her figuring it was a phase and how long could it last, really? Turns out a very long time.

It has now been at least five months and the Seussical the Musical soundtrack is still what she goes to sleep to listening to at night. Although we are now allowed to call her by her real name she is still absolutely head over heels in love. When the movie trailers started showing for Horton hear a Who! she was beside herself and the first thing she would ask me each morning for weeks was "Mommy, is today the day we can go see Horton?" The other day we finally did and now we are back in Whoville full time again. But I have to admit I kind of like it. I love that she gets so enthusiastic and passionate about something. She will put on shows and make us all act out parts of the movie or the musical, most of the time it is a mixture of both. She knows every word to every song and she has already decided that for her fifth birthday (which is over six months from now) she is going to have a Seussical party and her biggest worry is how to get an invitation to reach Horton and all his whoville friends.

As for me, not growing up with Dr Seuss it is wonderful to make this journey right alongside with her. Each book we read is as new to me as it is to her and I find that I am falling in love right with her. In this day and age were kids are forced to grow up so fast I enjoy the silliness of "There is a Wocket in my pocket", I giggle along with her at the Cat in the Hat and we both are sad that the Lorax ended up all alone but we talk about how important it is to take care of the environment and your friends. The other day B crawled up in bed with me after his nap and thrust a book on me, "Apples on Top" and demanded I read it. Over and over again. Dr Seuss has a new fan and I cannot wait to explore it all again with him.